I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
