I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
