Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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