sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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