My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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