I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
