just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
