Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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