if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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