I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
