i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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