Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
