my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
