he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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