I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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