you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
