im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Hippo gnu deer
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
