I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
