just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hello my rib-scented angel!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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