Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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