her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My penis needs a shock collar
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
