oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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