haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
