The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
