My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
