I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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