I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
