He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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