I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
