After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
