pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
