We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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