I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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