I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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