I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
