God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
