dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
