he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The Olympian is in my bed
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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