my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
