I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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