my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
