TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
