I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
