Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
