She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
