ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
