Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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