I met the friendliest cop last night
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Actions speak louder than pants.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
