True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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