i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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